And finally I am back; writing a blog right at the end of the month. Many times I did think of writing, but the mind is a crazy organ of the human body; it prioritises things the way it “thinks” is right. Sometimes I feel I and my mind are two different people. The mind is always trying to be the boss of me. It is forcing me to be rational and practical and all those stupid notions we respect and when I feel philosophical it’s almost like it’s a well thought game plan drawn by my smart mind to feel that way. All a façade and in the end ‘he’ decides how I feel or don’t feel. All ifs and buts are put together. The strangest thing is to feel like I am a zombie going on with life and the awareness regarding the same isn’t helping to change the situation. It’s like inspirational novels tell us to “wake up”, “live your life” and on the other side my mind is laughing at the effort being put by me to fight its decisions. Ok this is turning out to be a scary blog.
Again, I am at crossroads, trying to find the right path and my mind is influencing my decision like always! Is it because my heart has long since given up on me? It doesn’t say anything to me, at all. Isn’t that just sad? But the fact is that even this doesn’t make me “feel” sad. It is almost like all emotions were turned off like long, long ago; making me lose the ability to feel anything, especially emotions like excitement; laughter; happiness? Oh boy where am I going with this? As if the spirit; which is known to be light always; has grown heavy within my body, like it is bound? As if it is not possible for it to get out, no correct that, it’s impossible to get out. And this is because my mind has decided all of it. Feeding me with all this crazy facts and information; making me believe it is true!
But it is not. Everything I think is a lie. It always is an illusion. And why do I feel most of the times people don’t understand anything and they speak a load of bull crap? Like people of my age have no depth whatsoever? And why does everyone try so hard to be liked or impress everyone else? Why? Don’t they love themselves the way they are? I have actually lost patience and hope on people of my age. It is like when they start speaking or trying to make a conversation or even a joke, it’s through a fog glass for me; I can see them all hazy, of course I react at the right times, smiling politely or giving the ‘go on’ look. But you know in the end, I just don’t care enough for what they are saying because it’s bull crap. It is some boring conversation with no inkling of maturity or knowledge gain for anyone from it. This is so scary. Will this mean I’ll end up being alone because of this habit of me measuring them and never finding my frequency? Or will it turn out that life in the end is after all a compromise and I will settle for anyone who has a house, a car and a job; really? After all experiences one goes through this is what it all boils down to; is this really ‘living’?
Of course like my mind is telling me now and like I always do; I could go back to burying myself with work and forgetting that I ever thought of all of this at all; dismissing it with the proverb; “An empty mind is a devil’s workshop”. Haha