There is so much I have on my mind; so much to share. Sometimes certain realisations can bring one astoundingly closer to the self. The Mind, the Heart and the Soul; are they really that different? Only when they are one we can feel at Peace, isn’t it? If I speak something, but believe something else and feel something different, then I think, there is no oneness within me.
There came such a point in my life when I started questioning everything that I had believed in since the time I was a child. Such experiences are not uncommon, it could be anything that occurred so suddenly and caught you so unexpected that there was no means for you to even respond or react to it. Whatever the reason maybe, it makes you look back at your life in such a way that you doubt everything that you have experienced till then. And the mind; the cunning game player that it is; when left unguarded; will conjure up all those unpleasant memories of the past right in front of you, and make you feel as miserable as it can possibly make you feel.
But I know now this is not the end. True such moments will test you in a way that you’ve never been tested before and you could blame the entire world for it or you may feel there is no one to blame but yourself; but that is precisely the time you don’t have to give up. I realised that firstly, blaming is not going to solve my problem at all. In fact, it is only a way of releasing or venting out my emotions onto someone or in my case upon myself. Secondly, this act is not going to help me heal. Blaming and feeling sorry for everyone around me and myself is easy. I can feel I deserve to feel this way. It is as if even a small laugh shared with my younger brother is wrong. I should not be happy or worse I don’t deserve to be happy and must live my life surrounded with grief and guilt and regret. But really is that a way to live my life? No doubt one would feel deep regret about what has happened. But after that isn’t picking up the sticks (however broken they might be) after the storm has cleared and rebuilding your house the real challenge? It is no doubt the tougher choice to make than to just give in to tormenting yourself day after day.
But then I thought to myself; if life is teaching me a lesson then it is more important for me to learn the lesson, not to fail. To give up, is easy. Thoughts of escaping the situation in the scariest ways will tempt and haunt one initially. Various means such as alcohol, living a happy but hollow and fake life, blocking all the memories that seem painful now, the worst would be of course ending one’s life itself. But to me now, giving in to such thoughts only proves that am not strong enough to face it. Ending one’s life is probably the worst of all not only because it again shows that even at this juncture in life one has decided to be self-centered having no concern for the loved ones who were there with them in the worst of times, and one would willingly let them go through so much of pain.
Not giving up. Now that is difficult. To go through the pain, in surges as it comes and goes and drains you again and again; as you wish for it all to be over, but instead you accept it all, feel it all, go through it and not avoid it or escape it by hiding it with a mask of anger or frustration or ego and just wait, wait for your emotions that have turned into waves breaking against the innermost core of the self, wait, until there is nothing left. And wait for the time to pass. Not so that the memories would fade and it would be difficult to remember it clearly and hence easier to forget, but because you were given a challenge and you were able to pass it. And although you wanted to give up so many times because it was hurtful to go on, you stood by, and faced it all.
It is not a moment of pride or self-gratification again that would emanate from all of this. This feeling is something else, life gave you a chance to clean your slate, to start afresh, all your deeds weighed and evaluated. The pain, the suffering and finally the most essential; redemption form it all, you went through it.
Such experiences in one’s life can have a permanent impact on how they view themselves and decide to live this life from then on. Because from now onward, it is a continual test not for anyone else but to prove it to yourself, that you can live life better. Maybe there is no turning back to that job or that relation or that point in life which seems like it occurred only yesterday; but now you choose, and you choose to still live, and choose to live happier, because I think the best lesson to take home, is to lead this life as a better person. Nothing more.
Personally for me, I have started observing things with a broader horizon and am not limited to the view of a third person anymore. It is as if life had decided to finally wake me up, maybe in a way that was least expected, but now once I have woken up what better use to make of it than to take this chance to live life more completely. A life where your peace is not disturbed because now you are at one with yourself and with everything around you. And there is nothing that you need to say or explain anymore because you stood by when the worst was upon you and that worst is now past you and true it feels like there is nothing ahead, but nothing ahead except what you choose to make out of your life. And then when you act, you act wisely. To live life in a more complete manner; for yourself and for everyone around you; harbouring only good for all those who were, are and might be a part of your life.
If ever in such trying moments I feel like giving up this is what I remind myself, holding the thought within me until it resonates inside me. Leading a better life as a better person is the best gift I can give myself and everyone around me. There is nothing more I could ask for.